


Those who leave, those who stay

by Persephonia1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Character Study, Comfort/Angst, Drama, Dying in Lover's Arms, Enemies to Friends, Everybody Cries, F/F, Feelings, Female Player Character (Hogwarts Mystery), Grief/Mourning, Guilty Merula Snyde, Hogwarts Mystery Spoilers, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Merula Snyde Character Study, Merula thinks she deserves to be hurt, One-Sided Attraction, Player Character name is Serena, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Spoilers, Taunts and Provocations, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, kinda ?, more or less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23810035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Persephonia1/pseuds/Persephonia1
Summary: SPOILERS FOR HOGWARTS MYSTERYThe attacker turned to Merula, threatening. “SECTUMSEMPRA !”Serena didn’t think.She pounced.The spell full-force hit her.
Relationships: Penny Haywood / Player Character (one sided), Player Character/Merula Snyde
Comments: 13
Kudos: 81





	1. Those who leave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RedSnow1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSnow1/gifts).



> Welp. It's been a while.
> 
> First time writting HP/Hogwart Mystery stuff, Major Character Death AND F/F. Triple cherries popped. 
> 
> This fic is a gift to my friend RedSnow1: she is the one to blame for it. You shouldn't have let me ramble on Merula/Female Player ending tragically. We totally need to do it again ! 
> 
> Jacob's sibling name here is Serena Liddell, sorted in Ravenclaws: I based her on my own character in the game. 
> 
> I apologise for any typos/error: English is not my first language. I re-read it but if you spot any mistake, let me know.

The attack was as fierce as it had been sudden.

“FLIPENDO!” Penny yelled nearby.

Serena gritted her teeth. Waiting in the forest to ambush them was deceitful. But when the Cabal had been anything else? Traitorious eels twisting in the dark, waiting to bite and kill. The thought of Rowan was like a punch in the chest and Serena briefly retrieved from the tree she had hidden behind. “EXPELLIARMUS!”

“CRUCIO!”

She was forcefully yanked forward, the spell missing her from an inch.

“Thanks, Merula.” Serena panted.

“Don’t thank me, you idiot !” scolded her girlfriend “Aren’t Ravenclaws supposed to be clever or whatever? That was a stupid move, even from you !”

Heart pounding, Serena squeezed the Slytherin’s hand, slightly calloused by the numerous potions-making. “Aw, you worry for me, babe?” she winked. “Afraid to miss our making out sessions ?”

Merula rolled her eyes and offered a crooked smirk “ Well, your stupid mouth _have_ to be good for at least one thing. Except your incredible proportion to say the dumbest shit.”

“EXPULSO!”

They were both thrown away from the violence of the destruction, their makeshift shield blown right on the spot by its power.

Serena’s ears buzzed and she could feel blood dripping from her temple: her head had hit a rock, she managed to deduce. Her wand was nowhere to be found, probably swept away. She fumbled frenetically to find it, but to no use.

“FLIPPENDO!”

She was hit hard in the chest by the spell and fell back on the ground. She had recognised the falsely sweet, light yet aggressive voice of her assailant. Serena scrambled as far away as she could, eyes fixed on Patricia Rakepick’s smirking face as the Dark-Witch pointed her wand toward her.

“CRUCIO !”

“FINITE INCANTATEM !” The bright light of Merula’s magic collided with the attacking one and Serena was surrounded by the ozone-like smell of magic.

Serena saw Ms. Rakepick’s turn toward her Merula, her gripping on her wand tightening. One of Ms. Rakepick’ perfect eyebrow arched. “ Helping the weaks, are we now? What about your professed loyalty to Slytherins and Slytherins only ? CRUCIO !”

“ FINITE INCANTATEM ! Only I can kick Liddell’s ass. CRUCIO !”

Ms Rakepick swiftly avoided the spell. Serena could only watch in horror as the Dark Witch yelled “ACCIO WAND!” and Merula’s wand flied to her waiting hand.

They were both disarmed.

Their friends were too taken in their own fights.

They were both helpless.

“ Well well” The Dark With purred “Isn’t it a pretty picture? Both for one! (she pointed her wand toward Serena) The traitor’s sister (her wrist moved toward Merula) and her self-conscious bully-turned-lover.”

Serena spotted her wand a few meters away. “ACC-”

“FLIPENDO !”

The magic knocked the breath out of her, disorienting her. She distantly heard her former professor tsked. “You’ve been a real pain in my side, Serena Liddell. You and your little gang slowed us quite a bit.” Serena’s eyes widened as Ms. Rakpick turned to Merula, threatening. “SECTUMSEMPRA !”

Serena didn’t think. She pounced.

The spell full-force hit her.

She didn’t even cry when the agony submerged her.

She fell on the ground like a ragdoll.

She couldn’t move. Her entire being was just _pain pain pain_. Something sticky and hot was slowly running on her neck, above her mouth and on her chin. Something was holding her. Her vision was constellated by blank spots. It reminded her of star-gazing…

She wanted to look for Merula, to yell her to run away.

A hiccupping breath managed to leave her lips; it felt like someone was crushing her lungs. She wanted to scream in pain but couldn’t do more than whimper. The hurting hadn’t subdued, but now she was a bit more clear-headed. She blinked. She saw more than heard Merula calling out for her.

“… me?! Don’t you dare, Liddell ! Come on ! COME ON ! HAYWOOD ! HAYWOOD !!! Come on Liddell, you can’t let that bitch have you like that ! I won’t allow it !”

Serena managed to put on a smile. Probably a tired, pale one, though. “Thinking you’re already… done with me, Merula?”

Merlin, talking was hard. She must have grimaced as Merula cut her “You shut your stupid mouth right now ! HELP !”

It was so typical of Merula Serena wanted to chuckle. Arrogant, cynical, wonderful and, in her rarest moments, when she was in total trust, tender Merula. Merula who could slice even the most intimidating students with her wit, Merula whose intelligence could compete with Snape’s, Merula who could defeat almost anyone in duel and make any potion almost as well as Penny but who didn’t know how to flirt except by aggressively taunting. Merula who under all her arrogance and bravado was just afraid to be alone.

Merula whose eyes were tearful as she held her in a tight embrace.

Serena tried to lift her hand to touch the other’s face. The Slytherin caught it “What did I just said?!” she hissed, tension and despair ringing in her voice “ For _once_ in your life you _will_ listen to me or I swear to Merlin, Liddell – I – You –”

The Ravenclaw witch wanted to squeeze her lover’s hand with all the strength she could muster; instead, her grip slacken no matter how strong her will was.

She didn’t want Merula to be sad.

“You know… I have regrets but…” Breathing hurt more and more, she knew she had to carefully choose her word. Yet she had so much to say. “But I wouldn’t change anything.” She offered the brightest smile she could managed “Especially not… pissing you off every day like I did.”

“You don’t have to have regret Liddell, you hear me?” Merula was fierce and her voice tight with repressed sobs. Serena felt the other witch fingers’ run on her face with a carefulness untypical from her. “Hmpf… Getting soft with. me, beautiful?”

Merula shook her head. The Slytherin’s thumb stroked Serena’s cheek; from the corner of her eyes, she saw blood on it. Oh. That must had been that, that sticky hotness she had felt earlier…

It was bad.

She had known it was bad, but not this bad.

A wave of panic hit her “The others – they’re – I didn’t – ”

Serena saw her girlfriend’s grit her teeth in frustration “Stop acting like a Hufflepuff when you’re – you’re the one – ” Then she stopped, as if she didn’t want to say the word.

Serena lightly stroked the hand reminding in hers.

There was a quiet sob and Merula asked “Why?” Anger, incomprehension and sorrow laced her voice “Why did you do something so stupid ? I – I wasn’t worth it and –”

“Sh. Who’s… saying the dumbest shit now?” Serena stared into purplish eyes and said seriously “I love you Merula.”

“You’re so stupid Liddell” Serena noticed the tears on her cheeks “The others – they need you, and I… I need you too and – HAYWOOD ! SOMEONE ! PLEASE ! Please….” her voice broke on a sob

“I needed you, too.” Serena couldn’t feel her legs anymore. “ ‘S what… I did it.. Wouldn’t… get hit for… any hot silver-tongue… girl… you know?”

It was getting harder and harder to keep her eyes open.

She felt her face drop, but Merula quickly shook her out of it “Hey ! no, no no no no no ! Liddell ! Liddell look at me ! You’re not allowed to – you can’t – you can’t leave me Serena !”

A soft breath left the Ravenclaw’s mouth “ I needed to… die for you to call me by… my… first name?... Picky… no?”

Serena felt Merula’s quivering grip on her now lax palm, then kisses were pressed to her lips almost furiously. They tasted like the cinnamon biscuits Merula snacks on when studying and lemongrass…

She wanted to kiss back but the numbness kept growing.

Above her, Merula was sobbing. Serena felt the spasms from her chest, pressed against her like something precious “I won’t ever again be mean to you – I – I’ll learn to love you normally, like – and we’ll – You’ll – I’ll go to these stupid Muggle movies you insist we – just – ”

“No” Serena said and Merlin, she felt so cold “Don’t change… not you… not the way you loved me… because it… it was perfect… it was what I loved you for…”

The sound around her became blurred. She saw the faces of Penny, Ben and Barnaby, and what she suspected to be Tonks and Charlie but they were too far, too blurred. She saw more than felt Penny’s finger touching her and the blond’s mouth moving quickly, but the voices of her friends grew distant. At least they looked alright…

But Jacob… and her creatures… they needed to be looked after and… her parents… her parents were going to be destroyed by chagrin… loosing her so soon after her brother…

But then Serena felt hands squeezing her on the shoulder, on the arm, saw the faces of her friends talking to her and she knew they had understood. They would do what was right. She felt peaceful…

Her vision became blurred too and she knew it was time. She tried to reach to Merula one last time but couldn’t. Merula seemed to understand as she pressed Serena against her as strongly as she kissed her. Little by little, and at the same time incredibly quickly, Serena couldn’t hear, then she couldn’t see and eventually she couldn’t even feel anymore, but she kept pressing back to Merula and kept pouring all she wanted to say to her in this kiss.

_It’s okay._

_I love you._

_Don’t doubt yourself._

_You’re not your parents and one day the world will see the incredible witch that you are._

_I won’t ever stop being at your side._

_Merula…_

_You made me happy._

End


	2. Those who stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “HAILWOOD !” Merula yelled, not caring if instead it brought an enemy. She would tear them to pieces. “YOU HAVE TO COME HERE! RIGHT NOW !”
> 
> Her desperate cry was only answered by the clashing sound of magic and yelled spells. 
> 
> She let out a whimper and clutched tighter at the Serena. 
> 
> “ Come on come on come” she urged, her voice filled with agony “You can’t go now, you hear me Liddell ?!”
> 
> Uneven breaths and foggy green eyes were her only answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot if you decided to keep on with the story. This chapter is twice as long as the former: Merula is a very interesting character and I tried to do right to how I perceived her psychology, namely how her apparent arrogance and agressiveness was her defense as a result of the mockeries and exclusoon she had to face with her parents' arrest, and how it shapped her into this inhability to be like the other when it came to express her feelings. 
> 
> So buckle up and tissues on, you're gonna cry. At least I hope XD
> 
> Once again, this is a gift to RedSnow1. I hope you spotted the one sentence aimed right at your feels/fangirling side !
> 
> Once again, I apologise for any mistakes: English is still not my native language x)

Merula spotted her girlfriend just as her own spell knocked out one of the attacking wizards. She saw Liddell surging from behind her shielding tree to cast a spell at one of their assailant; Merlin but why did she had to be reckless ?! Sprinting, Merula managed to push them both behind a large oak, just in time to avoid the Crucio cast in their direction. The Slytherin internally sighed in relief after a quick glance; Serena looked okay.

“Thanks, Merula.” Liddell said, a bit out of breath

“Don’t thank me, you idiot ! Aren’t Ravenclaws supposed to be clever or whatever? That was a stupid move, even from you !”

Liddell grinned in mischief, in the way that always made Merula want to push the Ravenclaw against a wall and kiss her until the other girl was breathless and that stupid grin gone. Merula felt the now familiar hand squeezing her own, with a gentleness she was still not acquainted with.

“Aw, you worry for me, babe?” Her girlfriend teased with a wink. “Afraid to miss our making out sessions ?”

 _Ye_ s, Merula wanted to say. And in a perfect world where Merula was a normal person, she would have admitted it. But they were not in a perfect world and Merula was… well, herself. Unsecure and incapable to express any emotion without lacing it with aggressiveness. So she rolled her eyes as she replied “Well, your stupid mouth _have_ to be good for at least one thing. Except your incredible proportion to say the dumbest shit.” Liddell had caught on the tenderness behind the rough edges, Merula saw it in the way her face lit. She was probably about to say another flirty comment.

That was Merula’s first mistake.

“EXPLUSO !”

The oak cracked with a terrible noise as they were thrown away. Merula hissed as a splinter thorn into the apple of her cheek. She landed heavily on her back, grunting. She would have bruises but she felt alright. She turned her head toward Serena: she had blood on her temple and looked around herself in a frenzy.

Merula’s eyes widened in comprehension.

Oh no.

She had lost her wand.

The Slytherin got up to join her girlfriend just as a voice she knew all too well casted “FLIPENDO !”

She saw Liddell jerk and fall back on the ground, like hit with electricity, just as Rakepick emerged from darkness, red hair dishevelled and smile uptight, looking all like the madwoman she was. She looked in horror as the Dark-itch raised an elegant wrist. Without thinking, without listening to whatever spell that bitch was gonna throw at Serena, Merula yelled to protect her lover.

“FINITE INCANTATEM !”

“CRUCIO !”

Both magic crashed together. The lump in Merula’s throat disparead. She was still tensed. At least she had managed to stop RakeBitch. Which turned to her and fixed her with her sinister smirk. Merula felt the muscles in her face tense and she reflexively gripped a bit harder on her wand.

For the briefest second, she had sawn a flash of Khanna’s shocked face as the Dark-Witch’s spell had killed her on the spot.

“ Helping the weaks, are we now?” Urgh, Merula wanted to slap her just for her sickly-sweet voice “What about your professed loyalty to Slytherins and Slytherins only ? CRUCIO !”

Merula was expecting RakeBitch’s monolog to be a trick so she was ready to cast “FINITE INCANTATEM !” the Slytherin barred her teeth as she smirked “Only I can kick Liddell’s ass.” She set her wand on her opponent. At least her parents’ belief would serve her now “CRUCIO !”

“ACCIO WAND !”

Merula could only watch her wand fly to the Dark-Witch as she avoided her spell.

The Slytherin student tried to think quickly. Using wandless magic was too risky. She didn’t had potions anymore, she had thrown her last Wiggenweld to protect Cooper. No one in their group was in sight so no one would step in to stop the madwoman.

She was doomed.

“ Well well. Isn’t it a pretty picture? Both for one. The traitor’s sister and her self-conscious bully-turned-lover.”

Merula felt frozen to the ground. Just like that time in the forbidden corridor. There was no ice but cold dread was pinning her.

She heard Serena try to use wandless magic but Rakepick stopped her before the words had even left her.

It was over.

The Dark-Witch was going to kill them.

“You’ve been a real pain in my side, Serena Liddell. You and your little gang slowed us quite a bit.” Merula couldn’t tear her eyes from the threatening form of Rakepick as she slowly turned to her. The Slytherin’s mouth was dry. But she refused to look away as her murder would take her life, so Merula fixed her with all the disgust, all the anger this traitorous bitch made her feel. So she kept glaring at her.

That was her second mistake.

“SECTUMSEMPRA !”

She kept glaring at Rakepick and she didn’t saw Serena until the Ravenclaw threw herself forward.

She kept her eyes open and she saw every bit of the long second it took for Serena to get hit and fall, limp.

“NO !”

The cry leaving her was not human; it was a beast’s, pure emotion, raw as skinned nerve.

It was like Merula herself had _should deserved_ taken the spell cast _at her_.

Rakepick threw her head back in manic laughter “Ohhh isn’t it precious! But don’t worry, little girl, you’re gonna –”

“ CRUCIO ! CRUCIO CRUCIO !!!!”

Every single one formed despite the absence of her wand and hit Rakepick. The Dark-Witch’s eyes widened in disbelief as she fell on the ground at the first curse, but Merula didn’t stopped there. Hatred boiled in every fibre of the Slytherin’s being; she casted spell after spell, her voice becoming hysterical at the third.

It was quick and furious, a hateful heartbeat.

Then Merula ran to the Legilimens’ motionless form.

The Slytherin felt her knees give under her and she shakenly took the wounded body in her arms. She had to focus. She had to do something !

“Liddell ! Liddell, look at me !”

The green eyes of her girlfriend were unfocused. Blood was trickling from her nose, ears and mouth.

Not a good sign.

She had to find something. And quick.

Quick !

She had never heard of the spell Rakepick had used so she didn’t know what kind of damage it was doing.

Blood oozing like this could be tied to organ damage.

Fuck !

“ Reparifors !”

It didn’t worked. Maybe with her wand…

But she refused to let go of Serena.

“Come on com on” she grumbled, one hand held aside as she kept clutching her lover her other arm “Accio wand !”

She didn’t look, but she felt firm wood in her awaiting palm. “Please please look at me” she whispered quietly, a knot forming in her stomach “Reparifors!”

The spell was cast but it didn’t seem to do anything.

Merula felt like air was punched out of her lungs.

_Think ! Quick !_

She didn’t kow any other healing spell, at least not for major wound like this.

She didn’t have any potions and wasn’t even sure it would work.

The acidic taste of panic spread in her mouth and made her eyes and nose sting.

_No !_

Maybe Haywood would have a miracle healing potion ! Or something strong enough to steady Serena’s state until they reached Hogwart and then one of the teacher would know what to do !

But the sound of fighting was still ringing around; they were a bit apart from it but they would have to pass through the Cabal attackers. Fuck…

Fuck !

“HAILWOOD !” Merula yelled, not caring if instead it brought an enemy. She would tear them to pieces. “YOU HAVE TO COME HERE! RIGHT NOW !”

Her desperate cry was only answered by the clashing sound of magic and yelled spells.

She let out a whimper and clutched tighter at the Serena.

“ Come on come on come” she urged, her voice filled with agony “You can’t go now, you hear me Liddell ?!”

Uneven breaths and foggy green eyes were her only answer.

She choked on a sob, distraught rage growing in her “You never gave up for any of your stupid friend, for any of your stupid quests, for any of our stupid fights, so don’t you dare giving up now, you hear me ! Don’t you dare, Liddell ! Come on !” Her voice broke on the last syllabus as she shook the unconscious Legilimens, trying to get a reaction, anything.

Merula felt so useless.

She squeezed her eyes tightly, refusing to totally succumb to panic, swallowing back iron-burning tears. She wouldn’t cry because she wouldn’t let Serena die. Maybe if she yelled louder… “COME ON ! HAYWOOD ! HAYWOOD !!! ” Her voice was getting more and more frantic and desperate and she hated herself for that. “Come on Liddell, you can’t let that bitch have you like that ! I won’t allow it !”

She felt Serena twitch in her arms.

Thank Merlin !

But the wounded girl didn’t look good. Her eyes were still feverish and her face drained of colours.

“Thinking you’re already… done with me, Merula?”

Speaking must have mustered efforts resulting in pain as the little smile she had managed to put on turned into a full-on grimace. She needed to conserve her energy and not to – to – to try to reassure Merula when she was injured !

“You shut your stupid mouth right now ! HELP !” It came out harsh, but it was only ; because the Slytherin witch didn’t knew what to do as terror rose higher and higher in her mind. And why didn’t any of the other came ?! She didn’t heard anymore battle sound, but it was most likely because she had blocked them out. It wasn’t what mattered now.

What mattered was to find a fucking solution to –

She caught Liddell’s wrist mid-air as it tried to reach for her face “What did I just said ?! For _once_ in your life you _wi_ ll listen to me or I swear to Merlin, Liddell – I – You –”

She should have been more prepared.

They all knew the Cabal would attack them sooner than later. They all knew the Cabal would kill them without a blink of the eye. Merula should have try to learn more spell, especially healing spell. She was more of an attacker but it was so painfully obvious that they would need it… but she hadn’t even thought about it and now Serena paid the price of Merula’s stupidity. She should have carried more potion on her in case. She should have looked out for Serena because of course it was something she would have done !

How could have she been so stupid ?!

How could have she been so blind?!

“You know… I have regrets but…But I wouldn’t change anything.” Liddell smiled, far too relaxed for the situation. “Especially not… pissing you off every day like I did.”

Merula bites back a mix of a laugh and a whimper.

Serena was far too appeased.

Despite the numerous times where Merula called her stupid, Serena was one of the most clever people the Slytherin knew. And it didn’t need to be all that bright to understand she was not going to make it.

But Merula refused.

She had failed many things, many people, but she couldn’t fail this one!

“You don’t have to have regret Liddell, you hear me?” The Slytherin hoped her girlfriend wouldn’t hear the tightness behind the determination in her voice. Serena couldn’t see her cry now. It would be like giving up, like accepting Serena was –

_No_.

But it was getting harder and harder to repress her tears when her girlfriend was smiling so softly and the blood was so obvious on the paleness of her skin.

With a carefulness that was unusual from her, except in the rarest, most tender moments the two of them had shared, Merula gently combed the loose strands of brown hair out of the other’s witch eyes, then let the caress glide to the trails of blood to wipe them softly.

“Hmpf… Getting soft with. me, beautiful?” Liddell murmured, a fainting glint of teasing in her clouded gaze.

Merula had rarely allowed herself to be soft. Liddell was the exception, and Merula had never 

intended to have an exception. Especially not Liddell.

When her parents had been taken away, when she had been nothing more than the traitors’ daughter andthe few friends her introvert self had managed to make became the cruellest of her mockers, she had learn the harsh way that softness and love was weaknesses. And she had sworn, as she had tightly hugged her knees to her chest crying in her little girl’s room, that she would never be weak again. So she had constructed walls and worked on her wit, cultivate her indifference if not hatred for others.

So when Serena had came, when she had helped her despite Merula’s foul acts and even fouler words, when she had practiced wit with her like sport then like flirt, Merula didn’t knew how to not be what she was. How to be tender with the one she truly cared for. How to be kind.

And now it was too late.

She had doubly failed. Serena was like this because Merula hadn’t been good enough.

Serena became a bit ruthless against Merula, pulling her out of her despising. “The others – they’re – ”

Merula wanted to hit her. “Stop acting like a Hufflepuff when you’re – you’re the one – ”

She stopped herself. She couldn’t bring herself to say it. She couldn’t bring herself toa dmit it.

She felt a light stroke on her palm, where it held the other witch’s.

That made Merula want to scream even more. How could Liddell be the _one comforting her_ when it was _Liddell_ who was fucking _dying_ ?!

There, she said it ! She admitted it ! Serena was fucking _dying_ and was fucking _comforting her_ while _Merula was the one who should be dead_ ! Who _deserved_ to be dead !

Merula had been stupid and so, so blind.

She had never thought of a possibility that Serena could die. It seemed absurd. Impossible.

Serena was the leader of the Circle of Khanna. The one succeeding everything she tried. She was the one making people change. The the one with a goal in life. The one always doing her best. The one everybody loved. She couldn’t die. She couldn’t stop from existing.

She couldn’t…

“Why?” The words burned Merula, like she was spitting hot lemon juice “Why did you do something so stupid ? I – I wasn’t worth it and –”

“Sh. Who’s…saying the dumbest shit now?” There was a pause, then “I love you Merula.”

Merula didn’t knew if it was meant to be an explication or a simple statement. She didn’t care. She wanted to scream in agony.

The girl she loved was dying because she hadn’t been good enough.

“You’re so stupid Liddell ! The others – they need you, and I… I need you too and – ” Merula hears a sound, like footstep. She didn’t knew who it was but she had to try ! “ HAYWOOD ! SOMEONE ! PLEASE ! Please….” She couldn’t hold it anymore now. Her chest was spasmed with hiccupping sobs.

Serena was still so calm “I needed you, too. ‘S what… I did it.. Wouldn’t… get hit for… any hot silver tongue… girl… you know?”

Serena’s eyes rolled back and Merula felt the weight of the other girl’s head on her forearm increase. Fuck !

“Hey ! no, no no no no no ! Liddell ! Liddell look at me ! You’re not allowed to – you can’t – you can’t leave me Serena !”

Merula heard more than felt the quiet breath escaping the Ravenclaw’s mouth. “ I needed to… die for you to call me by… my… name?...” The lightest chuckle left her now pale lips “Picky… no?”

It was like a punch in the solar plexus and the Slytherin’s hand tightened around the other, growing limp one.

Did Serena at least knew how much Merula loved her?

Merula was not a total idiot about what was expected in a romantic relationship, she knew her own habits were… uncommon. Could even pass for disdain, or for a lack of real interest.

She did love her girlfriend. She genuinely did. But she didn’t knew how to express it normally, she was afraid to seem weak, afraid of being hurt – she had not been taught how to healthily love.

She should have tried harder. She should have done better. She should have force herself, she should have left her pride behind and ask – maybe not to the others – but at least to Serena – at least tell her – Merlin, she was _dying for h_ er, after she had given her that _pathetic mimicry of a relationship_.

She started kissing the other girl furiously, wherever she could reach_ her sweaty brow, her cold forehead, her even colder lips, her bloody temple_ a myriad of kisses violent like a summer rain, filled with regret and love.

“I won’t ever again be mean to you” The words were tumbling from her mouth “ – I – I’ll learn to love you normally, like – and we’ll – You’ll – I’ll go to these stupid Muggle movies you insist we – just – ”

“No” Merula looked at her, feeling lost. Serena’s voice was firm when she said “Don’t change… not you… not the way you loved me… because it… it was perfect… it was what I loved you for…”

Merula felt like an ice blade was slicing her heart and her sobs grew stronger, shaking them both.

Serena couldn’t die.

“Merula ! Are you – OH MERLIN !”

The Slytherin girl wept her head just in time to see Haywood, Cooper, Barnaby and Tonks stop in shock at their side.

Tonks stepped back, mouth slightly open in disbelief. The other rushed to them.

“Serena ! Serena can you hear us ?” Barnaby’s face was panted in horror and he fell on the ground, tears running on his cheeks

“She is – ? She can’t be –” Merula didn’t need to look at Cooper to know he was crying

“What happened?” Haywood asked, her voice breaking as she tried to inspect the wounded Ravenclaw

“We – Rakepick attacked us and – and Serena threw herself to take the hit and –”

“What was the spell ?” The Hufflepuff urged

“ I didn’t knew it – Sienctum Serempa or – Serendum Sientra– ”

_I can’t even remember the spell even if it could help her._

“ –and why are you asking it for anyway ?!” Merula yelled aggressively “Why don’t you give her a potion or – ”

“ I don’t have any potion anymore, I used them all – ”

“Why didn’t you have more?! YOU are the potion prodigies !”

“They’re gonna kill us all ” Cooper mumbled with wide eyes

“I didn’t – ”

“ Try a healing spell then !”

“What ?” Haywood’s face fell in disbelief “ I don’t – I don’t know any that could heal something like that !”

“I knew it would turn badly” Cooper kept on in his possessed-like state

_It turned that way because of me._

“ Are you kidding me ? You’re a Hufflepuff ! You’re supposed to be nice and save pets or whatever ! You should know how to fix it !”

“Merula you’re being unfair and –”

“ First Rowan now Serena oh God what will we do without Serena”

“ Shut the fuck up Cooper or I swear – ”

“Ja…”

The quiet voice stopped the rising tantrum like a dying flame. Suddenly, all the others gathered around them.

“Can you hear us Serena?”

“We’re here ! It’s going to be okay !”

“Andre’s coming back with help ! Hold on !”

But it didn’t seemed like the wounded girl could hear them anymore. Her eyes were unfocused and she kept muttering “Jacob… the creatures…need to be look after… my parents…”

Another sob escaped Merula and she squeezed uncontrollably on the body in her arms.

She saw Haywood’s hand set gently on Serena’s shoulder. She was crying, too, but she had managed to put on a _ although sad _ smile. “It’s going to be alright Serena. We’ll keep the searches. We’ll find your brother. He’ll return to your parents safe and sound. I promise.”

Merula hated her for that, for being able to give Serena what she needed in her last moment when the Slytherin herself wasn’t strong enough to fucking comfort her. And at the same time she was so grateful that Penny helped her to go peacefully.

“I’ll take care of your creatures – every single one – they won’t miss anything” Barnaby swore with a tight voice, stroking his friend’s forearm “ They’ll be so happy, I swear, you’re gonna be proud of them.”

Cooper touched her other arm and stuttered something Merula didn’t understood.

“Oh no…”

Tonks came closer, supporting the biggest Weasley_ he looked like his left leg was broken. Tonks must had gone back to help him to get here.

The redhead gently patted Serena on the forehead and Merula wanted to yell she was not a dog to pet, but what he said stopped her “You did good, kiddo. Don’t worry. Go on. We got this.”

Merula felt Serena growing limp in her arms.

She was going.

The Slytherin couldn’t take it anymore, she kissed her girlfriend one last time and felt Serena respond to the kiss until the dying girl didn’t anymore, but Merula kept pressing her lips on hers, refused to stop, because stopping would mean Serena was –

Merula felt a hand on her shoulder and didn’t care whom it was.

“It’s over. She’s gone.”

“ No ! No ! NO !”

Merula trashed like a possessed girl, still hugging Serena tightly against her and rocked her limp body against her, buried her head in the crook of the pale neck and it still smelled like her, like ink and wood musk and the cherry gummy Serena likes to eat and the smell would be gone with her because she was gone she was –

_Dead_.

Merula wailed. There was no other word to describe the abomination of a noise that erupted from her throat. The others, the forest, the sounds – everything around her disappeared. Only them remained, her and Serena and the wounded shriek that never seemed to stop.

There was a blur and the next thing she noticed was Professors Snape and MacGonagall. She hadn’t seen them coming, hadn’t heard them either. She lifted her tears-stained eyes, without letting go of her girlfriend’s form, feeling as lost as she probably looked. 

Professor MacGonagall took a step toward them. Merula noticed the others had joined the Professor side and she was now alone facing them, the Ravenclaw laying in her arms.

The Transfiguration Professor’s face contained a dignified pain. “Miss Snyde” she said, her voice firm yet gentle “You need to get up now. We have to take Miss Liddell’s body back to Hogwart so we can send it back to her family.”

“No !”

The mere thought of letting go of Serena had Merula clutching her tighter. She felt nauseous. It was beyond her.

She just wanted to be left here, alone with her lover, until she died too and their bones were so entangle they’d have be left together.

She couldn’t let her go.

She couldn’t !

“Miss Snyde, please.” Professor MacGonagall tried again “You have to let her go.”

“I said no !” she bared her teeth.

After a painful silence, the Professor said with a roughened voice“She’s gone, Miss Snyde.” MacGonagall took a step toward them.

Merula lifted her wand “Step back ! Flipendo !”

The Professor stopped the spell but looked choked; Merula didn’t care. Her grip on Serena’s body had her knuckles whitened.

“Don’t take her !” she begged-yelled, raising her wand in threat “I won’t let you !”

Of course it was stupid, she knew it was. She was a single student facing two of the most prestigious Professors in Hogwarts. They could sweep her off like a leave in a second. Maybe they would; they knew she could use unforgivable curses. She hoped they would.

There was a tense moment in which no one moved, then Professor Snape took a step “That’s enough Miss Snyde ! Be reasonable, you’re usually much more – ”

“Much more _what_ ?! I couldn’t protect her !” she cried angrily “She died in my arms and I couldn’t do anything ! Step back I said ! CRUCIO !”

“Finite Incantatem.”

The soft-spoken voice of Professor Dumbledore didn’t even made her startle, even if she hadn’t heard nor seen him coming. She pointed her wand at him; she wouldn’t hesitate to attack him too.

He rose his hands in peace “Merula. You just lived a tragic loss and I know how hurt you must be. Your anger, your sorrow and your mourning are all legitimate. We share them. I understand you don’t want Serena to be taken away for you, but it’s already done. And it was not your fault. I’m sure you did everything you could to save her. Now, you need to let her go. Her parents will need to see her and mourn her, too.”

Her parents… Serena had been worried about them… Merula couldn’t betray her but…

_But…_

“I – I don’t want her to be gone.” She quietly said, eye-wided.

Dumbledore gave his wand to Professor MacGonagall and slowly came to where Merula was still on her knees, never letting go of Serena. Then the Headmaster put a kind hand on Merula’s shoulder.

“We neither.”

Merula broke down in sobs and let herself slump against the welcoming embrace of the Professor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be last: it takes place shortly after Serena's death and focus on Penny and Merula. Lots of tension (no romantical/sexual !), lots of self-harted (guess from who?) and unhealthy ways to deal with guilt, we're in for a ride ! 
> 
> If anyone is interest, I can try to embed a picture of Serena so you can see what she looks like. Or you can just imagine your own character instead, I tried to keep her description to a minimum so you can project on her. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, Is urely enjoyed writing it. If you liked it, please consider leaving a comment: it really help me getting back in writting after so long. Plus, each comment gives a pat to my cat !


	3. Those who mourn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny backed away, everything clicking together. The glint. The snarky attitude. The taunts and the provocations.  
> “You want to be hurt.” It was an affirmation, not a question. “You think you deserve to be punished because you think what happened was because of you.” 
> 
> “It WAS because of me ! If I had been stronger she wouldn’t have – she wouldn’t have –”
> 
> “Merula, no.” Penny held her hand to help the other get up. The Slytherin obstinately refused. “You didn’t cast the spell. You didn’t push her to take it for you. It’s not your fault.”
> 
> “IT IS !” The hatred and desperation dripped of her voice like sobs “You can’t comfort me and you shouldn’t want to because I don’t deserve it ! I am responsible ! We lose her because I was too weak !”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is still not my mother language and I still don't have a beta, so if you spot an typo/mistake, please let me know ! 
> 
> Once again, big thnaks to RedSnow1.
> 
> There might actually be another chapter... if you want to know more, go in the ending notes !

Penny’s eyes were fixed on the ceiling. Looking without seeing.

Tearfully.

Powerlessly.

Just like she had been back in the attack.

Just like when they had loose Serena.

It had been five days now. Not long after ceremony Hogwarts had given in her memory, Serena’s parents had come to pick the body up. It had been so, so hard to see them sobbing; the mother had lost it at one point, and yelled Hogwarts was taking children’s lives instead of protecting them. Professor McGonagall had taken the hysteric woman in her arms and managed to calm her enough to stop the accusations. What remained, though, was worse. It was the cries of a now childless mother.

Penny had seriously considered to brew herself a Forgetfulness Potion. Eventually, she had decided against it. Her friend had been brave enough to throw herself to death. Penny could be brave enough to remember the pain of that day.

Something had shattered, in their group. Loosing Rowan had already been a hard blow. This had been the final push. At least, they were there for each other. They all tried to stay together, even if they couldn’t bring themselves to talk about what happened.

Well, almost all.

Of course Merula was handling it in the Merula-way. Which meant storming off and being aggressive and derogatory toward everyone, in and out of the group. Merlin, she was even _avoiding_ the group, and when one of their friends tried to get her to come spend some time with them, she turned down in the harshest way. 

The first days, it had irritated the Hufflepuff so much she stopped all together to get Merula to come out of her shell. If the Slytherin wanted to go through this alone, fine. That would spare Penny the trouble to try to help her. Penny wasn’t even sure Merula needed help. During the ceremony, the Slytherin witch had been so… off. Passive. She hadn’t shed a single tear. She hadn’t gone to the Liddell to share their loss or offer her sympathy. Her face had been entirely blank. Passive. Like she was at the supermarket and looked into the shelves, or if she was fixing a very boring painting in a museum.

Like she didn’t cared.

And at the same time, Penny couldn’t guarantee Merula didn’t care. Not when she had seen Merula howling and attacking the professors when they tried to take the body.

Plus, Penny knew Serena wouldn’t have wanted Merula to be alone in this. The two had made their relationship pretty clear, even if it had taken them some time to call it dating. Serena had never hided she went to the Celestial Ball with Merula, nor that she went on her first date with the Snyde girl. Penny was even suspicious they had spent Valentine together. The last had honestly broken Penny’s heart, but that was beside the point now. Merula was important to Serena and Serena was important to Penny. Plus, the Ravenclaw had let her know once or twice how she worried about Merula being lonely.

“She likes being lonely ! Otherwise, why would she been so mean with everyone trying to reach out to her?” Penny had said, dumbfounded

“Because she is afraid of being hurt.”

“She doesn’t give this impression. How can you be so sure?”

The softness in Serena’s green eyes had stung right in Penny’s heart “You don’t know her like I do.”

So there Penny was. After the few days spent to sober the pain up – or at least to make it almost bearable – she knew she had to go the Merula because even if Merula wouldn’t admit it, Penny knew she was hurt.

Probably.

It was late afternoon. There was about two hours or so before dinner. It might be easier to try to talk to the other witch alone.

“Come on Penny. You can do the right thing.”

Forcing herself to get up, Penny started to walk to the Duelling Club, where she knew she would find her target. It was easy. Merula had been spending all her free time there. No one dared try to join her.

The Duelling Club was chilly and damp. Penny shivered lightly. She really didn’t understand how Slytherin could enjoy it. The warmth and brightness of her own dormitory seemed much more appealing.

_Stop it. You’re not here to judge or to make comparisons._

Before even entering the room, she saw a blast of light, accompanied by a yell “Crucio !”

Penny stopped. Merula was standing, panting, her back to her – the Slytherin probably not seeing her.

“Crucio !” Merula said again.

The dummy she was casting curses on swung with the shock. Penny winced.

Curses were strictly forbidden. This one was enough to send its caster straight to Azkaban. Were the teachers aware of what Merula was doing? It could be dangerous, if someone were to come in unnoticed and –

“Crucio ! Crucio ! CRUCIO !”

Merula seemed to get more and more frustrated. The last cursed was yelled, making the other student flinch. The angered Slytherin threw her wand on the floor in rage with a scream. Penny didn’t dare to make herself known. Maybe it was a bad idea if the naturally irritable witch was already riled up. 

Still short-breathed, Merula stood looking in the direction of the dummy and roared like a wounded animal. Penny couldn’t see her classmate’s expression. She imagined one of hatred, or maybe, of outrage. It was difficult to know, with her.

After ten seconds of silence broken by heavy breathing, Merula abruptly launched on her wand, like she was suddenly possessed. The blond’s eyes widened when she eared the first syllables.

“AVADA KEDAV-”

“Expelliarmus !”

The Slytherin’s wand flied away just as the girl turned in Penny’s direction, snarling.

“What the hell, Haywood?!”

“You can’t use that kind of spells !”

“Oh yeah ?! Want me to prove you how I just can?!”

Penny rose her hands in appeasement. She hated conflict but Merula’s bad temper really wasn’t helping.

“You don’t need lectures by the professors.” She said, attempting to show the other girl she was here to help.

Merula snickered bitterly “But I need one of yours? Screw the professors anyway.”

It took all Penny had to not roll her eyes. Of course the dismissive witch would take it for a scorn.

“Even Snape ?” The Hufflepuff knew Merula respected their potion teacher. She hoped bringing him in the conversation would nip the Slytherin’s explosion of wrath in the bud.

It seemed to work as Merula pursed her lips but didn’t made any comeback. Instead, she retrieved her wand “Whatever.” Penny noticed how she refused to look at her. Silence grew and with it came uneasiness.

_Come on, Penny. You’re usually good at talking to people._

Yeah, people. Not Merula who was always demeaning and ready to pick a fight –

“Well you caught me doing forbidden things, you can go report to the professors and earn points or something.” Merula spat.

Penny bit the inside of her cheek. How did Serena find the patience to –

_Serena._

The pang of hurt in the blond’s chest brought motivation back to her. She had come to help Merula and she was going to do it, even if she had to support the Slytherin’s grumbling.

“ Listen, I’m not here to be a pain in your arse –”

“ Is it even possible?” The other snickered

“ – I’m here to help.”

The reaction was instant. In a blink, Merula is right in front of her, wand raised and fist clench, like she was about to cast a curse right at Penny’s face – or to punch her.

“I don’t need fucking help, and _especially_ not _yours_ , Haywood.”

The disheveled student was furious. She was glaring at Penny, eyes piercing in her own like she wanted to burn her with it, mouth tightly shut, with so many hatred in her eyes the Hufflepuff took the step back she had managed to refrain when Merula had stormed in her personal space.

“So go back to your friends and get lost.” Merula shoved her away, rough and mean.

Just like she had been with Serena.

_No. Stop it, Pen. Serena would want you to help Merula._

Penny didn’t back away from the glaring contest. She hated conflict, but confrontation seems to be the only way to reach out to that stubborn girl.

“Look, after what happened, we all need help. I get it, you’re tough, you’re used to hard blows but this one was devastating. For everyone. So yeah, you probably could go through all of this alone, but you don’t have to.”

Merula’s voice rumbled in a bitter chuckle “Oh yeah, that’s right. That’s what you Hufflepuff do, huh? You jump to help the miserable, lonely and depressed ones.” Her face morphed into a parody of concern “You’re gonna give me hugs and hot cocoa and braid my hair until I feel better, and we’re going to cry together and knock on the other’s door at night when one of us have big, bad nightmare? _Fucking count on it_.” Her expression went back to raging disgust. There was a strange glint in her eyes “Your little group can mourn like a herd, I don’t give a damn. You are weak. I am not.”

Penny’s eyes stung. She was usually a supporter of non-violence but her palm itched to slap the other. “I didn’t said you were weak, and mourning is _not_ a weakness. We experienced _trauma_ , we are experiencing _grieve_. We all need help, especially you.”

Merula snickered “Look at you, emphasizing big words. That’s your usual precast speech for the wounded guys you scramble to help or is it a new one especially for the occasion?”

Penny was seriously considering giving up and letting Merula handle herself, but the memory of green eyes and the smell of ink and wood musk. So she stayed. “Why do you have to always be such a jerk, even now ?” she shouted, irritation crawling slowly but surely with Merula’s venom.

“I don’t know, why do you always have to be such an hypocrite?” That seriously took Penny aback, and for one second, she didn’t even knew what to respond. Merula smirked “Listen Miss Popularity, you went here, you gave me your sweet little words of compassion and your crocodile tears, you did aaaaall you had to do play nice and whatever, you can go back wailing with your little gang in peace with yourself.”

It was like an automatism, like Penny’s body took over her fed-up mind. Her hand flew to grab Merula by the collar. The glint was back in violet eyes yet the Slytehrin didn’t move an inch.

“I am NOT an hypocrite !” she yelled, at the limit of her patience. “I really do want to help you get through this but you are being an absolute hell !” Merula made her signature _duh_ , disgusted and jaded. “I do !” Penny insisted, frustrated.

“Oh yeah, ‘cause you and I are such bestie, like Porlock and horse.”

“You’re right, we’re not exactly close.” Penny admitted reluctantly, letting go of the Slytherin.

“But it doesn’t mean we can’t be there for each other. We all need to remain united.”

“Yeah, right. Sorry but I’ll pass. I don’t need your pity, Haywood.”

For Merlin’s sake… “Why do you have to be so frigging single-minded?! I told you ! I genuinely want to be there for you !”

“Yeah, ‘cause you care sooo much about me.”

“I care about Serena and what she would have wanted !”

Merula sneered with knowing disdain “Oh yeah, I know just _how much_ you care about her.”

Penny stepped back, feeling herself flush. Oh, Merlin. “Wh-What do you –”

Merula rolled her eyes like she was loosing patience “No use in playing dumb, Golden Snidget.”

“I don’t get what you mean.” The Hufflepuff denied firmly, even if she totally knew what the other was implying.

“What I _mean_ is you want to _bang my girlfriend_.”

Penny choked on her own spit as her cheeks burned “It was not like that.”

Merula leaned in her space once more “Yeah well, call it what you want, that you love her or have the hot for her or that she makes you feel all giddy inside – point is, you want her.”

Only then did it hit Penny.

Merula was talking about Serena in present. Like she couldn’t bring herself to talk about her in the past.

A tiny burst of compassion burst inside the blond. Yet at the same time, it was making her incredibly uncomfortable. The whole situation was.

“Not that your little crush was especially subtle.” Merula spat, scorn still clear in the disdainful twist of her mouth “More than Barnaby’s though. Eyes like a niffler, really?” She grimaced, apathy written all over her face. “I had my doubt about you for a while, but the final blow was your little speech during Valentine day. _Oh, Serena, would have it been that bad if I had hit you with an Entrancing Enchantment? Oh, Serena, maybe the right person can change your mind about true love if she keeps trying?_ ” Merula mimicked in an overly sweet voice, probably aimed to be a travesty of Penny’s.

The burst of compassion blew out like a spark in snow. Penny wavered, about to die of humiliation and outrage. “You – you were spying us ! You had no right !”

“First, I wasn’t spying: I needed to talk to Liddell about something and was just waiting outside. Not my fault you spoke like you wanted all of Hogwarts earing your little confession. Think about that next time you need to be smooth. Second, if you want it to work, come up with something less shitty next time. I had to think about murtlaps to not laugh out loud.”

Penny’s eyebrows were knitted in resentment and her fists clenched “Like I would ever take any advises from you, especially about something like that ! You were always treating her like crap, you kept being mean to her even after the Celestial Ball, even after she admitted she had a crush on you – you mocked her when Snape read her note in class ! Even after your first date when you officially started dating, you were always picking on her, always telling her off !”

Penny knew she shouldn’t be saying that, that it was probably the last thing Merula needed to ear but screw that, and screw Merula too. Bringing Penny’s own unrequited feelings had been the final strike. And Merula was smirking, a disdainful, satisfied grin that made Penny want to punch her.

The glint was back in the Slytherin’s eyes “You think I’m a shitty girlfriend, don’t you? That I don’t deserve her, huh? Come on. Say it. Say it !” Penny kept her mouth tightly shut, not trusting herself to not throw a spell at the disheveled witch. The latter sneered “Maybe you do want me to seek out comfort with you guys, after all, just so you can all tell me how I mistreated her. That would be a good making up to you, wouldn’t it?”

Penny was honestly feeling sick. What in Morgana’s name was wrong with Merula?! 

“Or” Merula slightly leaned in “Maybe you want me to seek comfort to _you_ especially? You wanna see if you can feel her while you hold me, maybe try to taste her lips on mines? Now _that_ would be _sick_. But you’re desperate enough to give it a shot, aren’t you?”

“Stop it.” Penny gritted through her teeth. Where the hell Merula was searching her crap, Penny didn’t knew and didn’t cared. What the hell was wrong with her?! Penny was starting to see red. “Stop it or I swear to Merlin, I’m gonna punch you.”

“Oh yeah? I can’t wait. Give me your best, Haywood.” The glint in Merula’s eyes grew stronger than ever “Why, did I touch a raw nerve? You would actually lower yourself to that? Or maybe that’s because you can’t stand that you never got to kiss her ?”

“Shut up.”

“Did she told you I was her first kiss? She turned out to be really good. She tastes like the crappy cherry sweets she’s always eating. But you can’t know, can you? Want me to give you a little intel, since you won’t ever find out?”

It was all surreal. Penny was getting dizzy. Nauseous.

How could Merula talk about something like that – talk about Serena like that, like she was just a freaking trophy?! How could she, when Serena had been Merlin know why her girlfriend and had died in her arms?! How could she, when the simple mention of the gone Ravenclaw made Penny feel like bursting in tears?! How dared Merula brag about her and Serena’s relationship to rub Penny’s one-sided attraction in her face _in these fucking circumstances ?!_ “Shut up !”

“She really likes to start slow, with you pressing on her nape with one hand. But what she really loves is when you pull on her lower lip with your teeth, just enough to sting, and then sooth it with your tongue. Always make her weak in the knees.”

Penny knew she should leave, but she couldn’t. Rage and pain froze her on place. She could feel an ache in the veins of her right wrist, right to her fingertips. It was literally hurting her to not let the blow go.

“Merula, shut up !”

“ Oh, and did she told you we don’t just kiss? We full on make out. There’s this other thing, it makes her moan every time, you put your hand on her stomach and you let it go up slowly to her breast, you cup it and stroke –”

Penny let it go.

Her fist hit Merula right in the face, right in the soft spot just under the maxilla. Merula staggered then fell without a sound.

Penny hated violence. But Penny was so scandalized and mad, she couldn’t bring herself to regret what she just did.

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU ?!” She screeched, and it would be a miracle if no one heard them and went to inform a professor. No matter. “How can you fucking talk like that ?! You really don’t have any respect for anyone ! Not for me, and especially not for her !” Penny’s eyes stung with raging-hot tears “How can you be so disrespectful ?! Yes, I loved her, okay ! And I get it pisses you off but it doesn’t allow you to make fun of me or try to taunt me or whatever, and it SURE AS HELL doesn’t allow you to talk about her like she was just a freaking PIECE OF MEAT !”

Merula sit, not even massaging her already reddish cheek. The bruise would be ugly. She just fixed Penny, the glint in her eyes burning like a flame. “Not bad, Haywood. You hate me, huh?” Her grin was acidic “Come on, do it again. Punch me and say it. Say how unworthy I am of her. Say how she deserved better. Say how awful I am. Hit me, I won’t even budge ! I deserve it ! Hit me and say I should be dead instead of her ! Say I fucking deserve to be dead ! SAY IT !”

Penny backed away, everything clicking together. The glint. The snarky attitude. The taunts and the provocations.

“You want to be hurt.” It was an affirmation, not a question. “You think you deserve to be punished because you think what happened was because of you.” 

“It WAS because of me ! If I had been stronger she wouldn’t have – she wouldn’t have –”

“Merula, no.” Penny held her hand to help the other get up. The Slytherin obstinately refused. “You didn’t cast the spell. You didn’t push her to take it for you. It’s not your fault.”

“IT IS !” The hatred and desperation dripped of her voice like sobs “You can’t comfort me and you shouldn’t want to because I don’t deserve it ! I am responsible ! We lose her because I was too weak !”

Penny mentally cursed herself. Merula had manipulated her and she had fallen right into it. If it hadn’t been Merula and if it hadn’t been about Serena, Penny would have seen right through it from the beginning. It was obvious Merula would feel guilty, and it was not very surprising it would took a self-destructive approach. The disdain and anger hadn’t been directed toward Penny as she had first thought.

It was all directed toward Merula herself.

“Merula, listen to me for once.” Penny squatted to be at the same level as her classmate. “ What happened was not your fault. You feel that way, and that’s understandable. But your feelings don’t match the acts. Rakepick casted a spell.You shouldn’t take the blame and you shouldn’t cope with it in this self-destructive way.”

Merula snickered “Don’t change the damned subject and keep your psychological whatnot to yourself. You want to hurt me and I deserve to be hurt. For once, we match.”

“You don’t deserve to be hurt, Merula.”

“ _Fine_. You want to hurt me and I want to be hurt. Go for it.”

Penny sighed, ashamed. “I don’t want to hurt you, I want to help. You pushed me to my limits, and I shouldn’t have hit you. I apologize”

Merula tsked and got up, not offering to help Penny “There you go, back to Hufflepuff marshmallow. You want to help me? Hit me.”

“Hurting you won’t help you !”

The Slytherin snarled “Well, it might make me feel fucking better !”

The blond shook her head “It won’t.”

“The pain _outside_ might make me forget the pain _inside_ , and it hurts so much, it’s worth a shot !”

Merula was coming undone. Her voice was coming out frenzied, misery was slowly taking over anger on her features. And she had admitted feeling hurt.

Penny had to be very careful of how she played her cards now. If she did well, there was a chance Merula would accept she needed help – and more than what Penny initially thought. She took a step and firmly put her hands on her classmate’s shoulders, looking her straight in the face “ This is not what she would have want. And this is not what neither you, her memory or your relationship deserve. You have to live for the both of you. She wanted you to live, don’t throw her sacrifice away by destroying yourself. This is not what Serena would have wanted.”

Merula turned her face and slapped Penny’s hand off, but she didn’t step away. Penny understood she didn’t want the Hufflepuff to see what her words were doing to her.

“Shut up” Merula whispered, back to her. Her voice was rough with emotion.

“If she was here,” A sad smile crept on the blond’s face “she would be kicking your butt and lecturing you. Keep asking yourself what she would have want, what she would have done. This way, as long as you live, she will always be there.”

The Slytherin finally looked back at her. There were unshed tears in her eyes, but Penny knew she wouldn’t let her totally see it. It was okay, though. She was listening and that was the most important. “We will find Miss Rakepick and we will make her pay.” The Hufflepuff assured firmly. “But for that we need you.”

“Count on me to burn that bitch alive” Merula spat, then sighed. “Look, I… I’m not comfortable with all this. The Circle of Khanna, they… They’re Serena’s friends. Not mine.”

“For you, maybe. But we all care for you and we’re all worried about you.”

“Agree to disagree. Still” the disheveled witch reluctantly admitted “You guys might be useful to me. Plus you will need me if you want to find Rakepick. And… it’s what Serena want – would want.” She swallowed like admitting Serena was gone was physically hurting. Penny could understand. “So I’m gonna try to… you know. Maybe spend a little bit of time with you and… attempt to… talk. About it. Maybe.”

Penny wanted to say trying to open up like this was already a good change, but she decided against it. She was starting to know how the other functioned and it would most likely make her jump back into her shell. Baby steps. “And about the self-destructiveness?” she still dared to ask.

“My guilt won’t disappear just because you went all compassionate and threw pretty words and big concepts at me. I still think it’s my fault. But… I won’t try to make people hit me again. Most of the time. I guess.”

Yeah, no, that wouldn’t do. “If you feel like this again, come talk to me.”

Merula grimaced “Sorry Gold Snidget, but we’re not _that_ close.”

“Fine, then go talk to someone. Anyone, really. Talking helps.”

“’M not really a talker. Or a people person.” Merula shrugged, but Penny could see the hurt beside the nonchalant words. Coming to think about it, Penny had never saw Merula really talk to anyone one… except Serena. And the blond knew the Slytherin had confided in the Ravenclaw, even if the former never repeated to Penny – or anyone, really – what her girlfriend confessed to her. But Serena was gone, and with her, the possibly only person Merula felt comfortable to talk to.

Penny swallowed, imagining how lonely and despaired her classmate could feel. “Alright, don’t talk, then. I could need help to make new potions. I could teach you advanced ones, too.”

The other raised an eyebrow like she had heard the most ridicule thing “Duh, I’m one of the best potion-maker of our class. I don’t need your little lessons.”

“Maybe, but I’m _the_ best potion-maker of our class. And there are potions I won’t be able to make alone. Like, seventh-year stuff.” A little white lie, but she would find something. The goal would be to take Merula out of her self-punishing thought. Potion required a full-on attention, so it was actually a pretty good idea, if Penny said so.

Merula pursed her lips “ Urgh… Whathever. I’ll try.” There was a little silence, then she sighed and sit, back on the wall “You know, I’m… Bringing your crush on Serena like I did, I shouldn’t have done that. I mean, I figured it would be the most effective way to anger you and to make you beat me but… yeah, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Was it her way to apologize?

“I… understand.” Penny wasn’t sure she had forgiven her yet, but Merula was enough guilt-filled as she was. The Hufflepuff eyed the situation, then decided she could sit next to Merula without her bolting away “ And I understand it have upset you. I shouldn’t have tell you you didn’t treated her right, either.”

“But you do think I didn’t treated her right.” It was not a question.

Penny huffed, uncomfortable. “I think your relationship was unbalanced, yes.” No point in lying, Merula would most likely see right through it. “But I don’t know a lot about your relationship. Just… when you weren’t alone, it was always like you bullied her. Not as much as in our first years, but still. Yet again, I don’t know how it went when it was just the two of you… And I don’t really have my word to say in it. Serena… wasn’t of the kind to stay in a relationship by mere feeling of obligation. It must have suited her.”

They didn’t looked at each other. On the other end, it would have been awkward to casually glance at Merula while Penny stated her bad opinion of her and Serena’s relationship – while keeping in head Penny had just admitted her own feelings for Serena to her girlfriend. So. Understandable. Merlin, if the situation was not so dramatic, Penny was sure the scene of them, blankly looking at the wall, would be hilarious.

“I was jealous.” the Slytherin suddenly blurted after a little silence “ And when we started to date, I became afraid of loosing her.” From the corner of her eye, Penny saw the fellow witch move, like she was burying her head between her knees. “ She is… she was very likable. Look at your group.”

“ _Our_ group” Penny corrected “You belong, too.”

Merula pointedly ignored her “Most of them connected thanks to her. She drew people toward her… Like a goddamned protagonist of a stupid story.” She had a sad smile, and Penny could guess why. The protagonist never die in the story. But Serena did. “I knew some of her friends had a crush on her. Not just you. Merlin’s sake, not even just you and Barnaby. And you’re… good. I mean, you’re all dumbasses and I could beat you up in almost everything.” She quickly added, like she had to make sure she hadn’t slipped out too much of being Merula – or the role she wanted people to think was Merula “But… you were nice to her. You naturally knew what to do to help or to make her smile while I… couldn’t.”

Penny carefully listened. If Merula was about to let off some steam, the Hufflepuff would gladly take it. She knew interrupting her now would stop the flow and Merlin, did Merula needed to let out.

“I didn’t get why she wanted me of all people to be her lover, I still don’t. Like you said, I was awful to her, especially in our first years. Even after we started to… flirt, I guess? After the Celestial Ball. I was sure she would end up breaking up with me to go with someone else. Someone better.”

Penny kept not looking at her. If the blond had understood one thing about Merula, it was that she was demure about her feelings. If she felt judged, even wrongly, she would clam up. But the Slytherin’s voice had broken on the last word, and Penny would have bet her hand Merula was on the verge of crying.

“So at the very beginning, I thought to myself : if I have to loose her, might as well loose her as soon as possible. That way, I wouldn’t get too attached to her and I wouldn’t suffer too much when she would leave. So I stayed mean to her to drive her off and finish this quickly, but this idiot , she didn’t left… until now.”

Merula stopped, and Penny felt like she had to speak up.

“It… wasn’t the best idea, in my opinion.” The blond quietly stated.

“It was the stupidest idea” Merula corrected “And I regret it. I regret it so, so much. I’m so pissed off at myself for how I treated her, she- she deserved better. And it makes me want to tear my own tongue off of my mouth, but… she deserved someone like you or Talbott. I should have… shown her better that I loved her.”

Penny had known she probably would have to talk about Serena’s love for Merula to comfort the latter. The words still hurt nonetheless. “She loved you. And she knew you loved her. Sometimes, she had this way to look at you, with this fondness she never had for nothing else…”

It always stung the blond’s heart everytimes, especially after the Ravenclaw and the Slytherin had walked hand in hand one day and officialized their relationship. Penny would look at fondness in Serena’s eyes, directed at Merula, and think: what can I do to make you look at me the same way?

“… and when me or Ben or Rowan asked her, she always said she was happy.”

The silence following was not awkward, not anymore.

Life is strange, Penny pondered. Side by side, looking straight in front of them, both witches grieved. Both were filled with regrets and questions, loss and frustration. One with a burning cheek, the other with burning knuckles, both with broken heart. Neither could really call the other a friend.

A small smile made its way to Penny’s face. It would be okay, though.

Neither was alone anymore.

****

The… interaction with Haywood had let Merula totally drained. Talking was exhausting. Well, not talking _per se_ , but everything it implied. Wagging the sorrow she had wanted to burry deep inside, confronting to what she shad tried to ignore, lifting insecurities she had decided to block out – and worst of all, _feeling_.

Feeling was the worse.

How could Merula’s core wound so much when she felt like she was dead?

She hated that sickening duality of pain numbness, of emptiness and despair at the same time. Once, she had briefly wondered if a kiss from a Dementor was similar. She wouldn’t be surprise.

It hurt her, it consumed her, it was drying her out.

And yet, a part of her didn’t want this agony to go away.

She _deserved_ it.

Blondie had left a little while ago – or maybe a long while ago, Merula didn’t knew nor did she cared. Like the big softie she was, Haywood had offered to heal the bruise she had caused on her cheek. Merula had refused.

It would soon be dinnertime. Or maybe bedtime. Once again, Merula didn’t knew. No matter, Merula wasn’t hungry. The sole thought of eating twisted the knots in her stomach, making her nauseous.

The dummy was lying on the ground of the Dueling Club. Merula hadn’t bothered to put it back up.

She needed to drag herself to her room, but she couldn’t muster the force. Plus she didn’t want to pass all her Slytherin classmates and the disgust – or worse, pity – in their eyes. The simple thought of going through another well-intentioned speech made her want to put a curse on herself.

“You are not allowed to be there at such an hour, Miss Snide.”

She hadn’t heard Professor Snape coming. His calmyet severe tone didn’t even made her budge. Did Haywood went to report like a fucking Gryffindor, in the end?

“I know.” She simply replied, not looking or making a move to get up from her sitting position.

“The rest of the professors have been indulgent enough to allow your staying here until now, but you have to go back to your dormitory.”

Merula didn’t bother to shrug. She kept looking blankly at the wall facing her, face slightly lolled on the side, back slightly rounded. It was no stance to maintain in front of a professor, especially not one as strict and as respectful as Professor Snape. Even more since he was the Head of Merula’s house.

Her lips twitched, but she couldn’t muster any words to come out.

Silence was stretching and with it the teacher’s patience, Merula guessed. She was half expecting Snape to deducted points. As he wished.

“Miss Snyde, look at me.”

She obliterated like a ragdoll. His voice was still cool as a cucumber and his posture stern as ever. No matter. Merula would just block her hearing when he’ll start to lecture her.

His perpetually narrowed eyes looked indifferent as always. So Merula wasn’t expecting what he said next “Losing the one you love is one the most excruciating pain one could experience. Thus, your sorrow is legitimate. Your guilt, though, is not.”

Merula’s lips were cracked. It Stung, so the skin might have broken when she spoke “You weren’t there. You don’t know what it was like.”

Snape remained silent.

“I was supposed to protect her.” The witch added “She died in my arms and I couldn’t do anything about it. Aside from laying there and clutching her while crying uselessly. I-I failed her. I failed everything.”

Her eyes burned with the choked on tears she had refused to let go ever since Haywood coming.

“She took the curse for me.” She sniffed, ragingly rubbing at her eyes. “I should be dead. I deserve the guilt.”

“Then Liddell deserves the blame.”

Merula’s head snapped at his ever-so-bored face and snarled “WHAT?!” How could he say that?!

The professor gaze was piercing “Miss Liddell choose to die in order to protect you. Don’t belittle her actions by saying you did this. Or do you think she didn’t knew what she was doing? Do you want to turn her sacrifice into a dull, thoughtless action by saying she didn’t knew the consequences?” He towered her, expression unreadable. “Liddell was stupid, but not that kind of stupid. There was intent in her sacrifice thus what happened is her responsibility. By feeling guilty, you appropriate yourself of what isn’t yours, and you rob her of the courage she shown.”

Merula’s mouth was dry and for the first time in long years, she felt something close to be a kid again. She swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Accept her sacrifice for what it was – an act of love. Mourn her and never forget her nor her acts. But don’t make her actions your doing. Or you’d take her love and her courage away.” Professor Snape turned away and took a step toward the exit. “There are many way to honor a loved one who is gone. Guilt is not one of them.”

Merula felt the tears as they tracked silently on her cheeks. Slowly, as if being refrained for so long had turned them shy. As if the breach in Merula’s defenses was so small and the flow so big, it could only trickle like the tiniest drizzle.

The pale man was just facing the entry now, ready to leave. “Go back to your dormitory, Miss Snyde. I won’t tolerate any lateness or reverie in class tomorrow.”

Merula smiled. A tiny, sad smile. “Yes, Professor.”

Serena had loved Merula enough to die for her, and she had been brave enough to go with a smile.

Merula loved Serena so she would be brave enough to go on and find the will to smile again.

That’s what Serena would have wanted. That’s what her sacrifice was for.

The Slytherin student blinked a few tears away, and said in sincerity, voice rough with emotion “Thank you, Professor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first this was suposed to be the final chapter, but as I was working on it, this passage of weird toxic kinda-flirt between Penny and Merula wrote itself... and it was pretty fun to write ! So I'm toying with the idea of another chapter in which both start unhealthy flirting (unhealthy as it is both driven by the longing to get back a glimpse of Serena through the other and self-destruct urges). However, I also want to get back to work on other fanfics (My Hero Academia Fandom, here I come !) so it is really up to you guys. If enough people like the idea, I'll make another and final chapter here :)
> 
> Thank you for your time and your reading of this story, I really hope you liked it.

**Author's Note:**

> Second chapter focus on Merula's point of view of the event and we get to have a bit of her psych. brace yourself for self-esteem issu and lot of self-hatred !


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